Bah Humbug

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs is Andi Marquette’s next offering in what appears to be a line of vintage re-tellings. In her adaptation of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, by Irving Washington, I saw great promise in her ability to create a fresh version of the spooky classic. I had hoped for a similar intriguing concept when Marquette announced she would be writing a new twist on the beloved A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens. 

Re-imagining such an iconic work must contain a fine balance between old and new ideas. I applaud Marquette for finding that harmony as she produced completely new characters and gave the work a modern-day feel set in the world of emails versus the land of cobblestones. The overall premise is the same, but there is no curmudgeon pondering over assets. Instead we have a woman concerned more with selfies than coinage.

Robin Preston, the troubled main character, is visited by three wildly different spirits who highlight her life during various times. And in lieu of a deceased former business partner, we have Senior Agent Elizabeth Tolson working for The Holiday Bureau to set things on course.

While I can completely appreciate the creativity poured into constructing a new spin, this version left me disheartened at the missed opportunity for a new holiday favorite. When reading a book, you want to empathize with one or more of the characters. You want to cry with them, cheer for them, and even fall in love with them. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a single character to even care about.

The spirits’ personalities were all ridiculously overdone to the point of overkill. Since they’re already dead maybe overkill is the wrong word? But their characterizations were outrageous and often distracted from the story. I can understand wanting the ghosts to have colorful personas, but for almost every character in the book to embody standard stereotypes is repetitive. In addition to the outlandish ghosts, there is an all-boys club of colleagues that hates dykes, a salacious executive’s wife who seduces women, and a mousey assistant who is actually intelligent. 

But my main dislike was for Robin. This is the character to make us believe in absolution, but I was so tired of her constant ignorance that I wanted to help the Ghost of Christmas Future dig the grave.

I could never fully understand what her job entailed, but she held some vague top position at an ambiguous company. She is supposedly a high-ranking corporate shark, but I have met janitors with a more professional decorum than the one she presents. The strong female character promoted in the summary of this book is absent from the story.

If we are to believe Robin is up for a CEO promotion, then I would assume her to be somewhat well mannered, highly educated, affluent in her dialogue, and have a polish above reproach. Honestly though, a bar of soap should replace Robin’s toothpaste.

In chapters 1-3 alone, there were several variations on the word “fuck” and almost 50 curse words total. She refers to near everyone as a “dick” or implies their intentions towards her as “dick moves.” Robin’s inner dialogue is just as disappointing as I found her horribly crass.

Not only was Robin’s vocabulary unprofessional, but so were her actions. She allows co-workers to speak to her on a first-name basis and her wardrobe (band tees, snake rings, skull-and-cross bone earrings) was better suited for a groupie at a KISS concert than a businesswoman. Also her office sounded terribly untidy with empty food containers, used coffee cups, and shoes tossed about. 

 It’s these details that instantly make the character and setting unrealistic. We have been told that the company’s culture stands against anything progressive, thus her informalities, wardrobe choices, and disorderly office would never be allowed.

In order for the character to have a redemption arc, then she must have something other than poor communication skills to be redeemed from. Robin’s only faults are that she doesn’t make time for her brother and she sleeps with a married woman. In my opinion, these actions do not constitute someone in dire need of three ghostly visits.

To make her look somewhat callous, the author has Robin fire an employee only to find out later, via the Ghost of Christmas Present, that the guy lives in hovel and has an asthmatic child. I couldn’t find Robin terrible for this because people get fired every day and her actions were even backed up by meeting the bottom line of the company. It was business, not personal. Besides, the guy obviously needs a better job if working for her only pays enough to live in deplorable conditions.

 I expected Robin to be someone who had caused significant anguish or had shunned every emotion other than greed from her heart, but that was not the case. I kept reading, hoping that I would find a portrayal of a truly soulless creature in need of holy water to validate the Bureau’s presence in her life but it never came.

I also continuously became aggravated with her lack of common sense.

When Agent Tolson arrives at Robin’s office, she asks her: “Who the hell are you?” even after Agent Tolson has identified herself. What professional businesswoman would greet another professional businesswoman with such a salutation?

Tolson begins to tick off a few facts such as Robin’s birthday and college degree. Instantly, Robin retorts: “How do you have all of that information on me? That has to be illegal. You’ll be hearing from my attorney...”

Um, ok, you can find out more than that from a person’s Linkedin account.

The amount of uncertainty Robin has must make picking out socks a Herculean morning effort. Throughout the book we learn: She isn’t sure why she still has her old clothes or jewelry. She isn’t sure why she easily slips back into art vernacular at a showing. She isn’t sure why her stomach keeps clenching. She isn’t sure if this was all a dream. She isn’t sure why she picks up a note pad and pen. She isn’t sure if she means it when she says “take care.” Honestly, this woman isn’t sure about anything.

Four times the Ghost of Christmas Future had to tell her there are different and infinite possibilities for the future. Four times. And we’re only talking within a chapter or two. If she’s up for the CEO promotion, then I’m selling my stock.

Another grievance I held with this book was the constant scenario of being told not shown by the author.

Example 1- …always climbing the corporate ladder.

This phrase is repeated several times, yet we don’t learn how she has been furthering her career.There is practically nothing about late nights at the office, the extreme wooing of clients, the various business trips, the times she volunteered for projects or any examples of her spearheading leadership teams on corporate campaigns.

 

Example 2- Both were going at it hard.

Once again, show us. Describe the slick bodies sliding in tandem, the swell of breasts rubbing rhythmically, and the rumpled sheets lying on the floor. Now would even be a good time to implement all of those curse words wandering about the pages so freely.

The editing in this book also felt bewildering. In most cases it was the amount of repetitive words and phrases which had me gift-wrapping thesauruses. The word “mist” appears over 20 times in just the first 22% of the story, the word “sugar” is repeated 14 times in a single chapter, and the word “sparks” is used constantly to travel down thighs, fingers, and spines.

But I also found that the sentence structure was all over the map. Sentences were either a combination of fragments, extremely short and choppy, or they became run-ons exceeding in 30-50+ words. At one point I was reaching for an inhaler.

Excerpts:

Robin brushed Jill’s lips with her own, a brief, gentle touch, and then Jill’s hands were in Robin’s hair, and Jill kissed her slowly and deeply, and Robin’s hands were on Jill’s face, holding her in place until she pulled away, her grip dropping to Robin’s shoulders and then to the remaining buttons on Robin’s shirt.

A patrol boat cruised past. Robin watched it. That would be an interesting job, probably. Hard, but sort of cool.

She was about to go get something to eat when her desk phone rang. Mary from HR. Robin answered. It made her feel more human, more like she’d felt years ago. Pause. 

And when Robin would travel, there would be others in the scene who, while not crucial characters, were still relevant enough to the story that they deserved names. 

•  “What do you think?” dress woman asked. “I love it,” black pants responded, and Robin started.
• “Have you combined them?” Trust fund leaned in, interested. “Not really, no,” funky hipster said.

Additionally, there were an absurd amount of references to The Matrix. It was unfortunate because not everyone has seen the movie, therefore the numerous “red pill” mentions were lost on me. It’s one thing to reference a film, but to use it as a trope fails if your reader cannot make the connection.

And the ending of the novel was somewhat mysterious. Anyone could have missed the meaning of it if they hadn’t paid extra attention to a handful of character Jill Chen’s quotes earlier in the book. I’m sure it was meant to be clever, but it may end up as a missed revelation to some.

I do not fault the author entirely for the above points. A beta or an editor should have caught some of these critiques but I am convinced everyone was out drinking eggnog with the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Granted, there are places in the novel where Marquette’s ability to weave a tale shines beautifully. It is just unfortunate that those places are amidst vast amounts of poorly constructed paragraphs.

With all my being, I wanted to like this story. I have read one other book by Marquette and several enjoyable blog posts by her, yet the skill-set of this work is not comparable.

Marquette is one of publisher Ylva’s most esteemed authors so I can only surmise it was the rush of a Christmas deadline that affected the content of this novel. While I am not sold on this particular book, there is no doubt Marquette’s imagination is a delightful place to be and I look forward to the future works she will produce.

NOTE: This book was provided by the publisher for the purpose of a review.

To purchase the book:

https://www.ylva-publishing.com/product/the-bureau-of-holiday-affairs-by-andi-marquette/

Cast Aside, Book Review: Cast Me Gently

If this book came with a soundtrack it would be on cassette tape. So grab your boom box and get ready to enter the world of Magnum, P.I. television, rotary telephones, and soon-to-be Reagan politics. Cast Me Gently is set in 1980s Pittsburgh where due to the numerous steel mill layoffs, the homeless and hungry are plentiful. However, author Caren Werlinger provides us with a love story despite the hardships and bleak outlook of the city.

Even though the main character, Teresa Benedetto, is 34 this is very much a coming-of-age story. She lives at home and works as a pharmacist for her parents’ store, making the presence of family in her life both paramount and smothering. One day Teresa meets Ellie Ryan and the two embark on a relatively normal friendship that eventually leads to much more.

It’s a basic and simplistic girl-meets-girl story-line that is as common as the acid-washed mom jeans the characters undoubtedly wear. The monotonous atmosphere left me wanting for something with a little more profundity, but these two characters are nice enough that you are genuinely happy for them.

Werlinger does an exemplary job describing the various settings throughout the book. She is extraordinary at placing the reader directly on the streets with the destitute, on a couch in a one-room apartment, upon a stool at a favorite restaurant, or behind the counter in the quaint store where Teresa works.

                                                                                              

In the book’s first paragraph we are welcomed to the front door of the Benedetto shop. The author wonderfully illustrates Teresa opening the store at dawn, and you almost feel like you’re a customer waiting to pick up a few items. I give full kudos to Werlinger for a strong and beautifully written beginning.

Unfortunately, this is where my praise for the novel ends because it is by paragraph two, that the author’s writing starts to become static. A pattern begins to emerge in the text where words and phrases are overused and repeated continuously.

In this particular segment, it is the word grit that is triplicated in quick succession. Dirt, sand, or specks of gravel are just three of many synonyms that could have been used, yet grit finds its way onto the page over and over again. Later on we see repetitiveness with words such as lit, moan, moonlight, and goose bumps. In another section of the book, almost 25% of a 149-word passage was made up of the same two nouns.

Welinger can absolutely immerse the reader into a scene, but without using a variety of words her talent seems diluted. I think this could have been a simple fix if only the writer or beta reader had pulled out a thesaurus.

Other examples of the lackadaisical writing include weak dialogue and careless transitions.

It appeared that every time something of great importance needed to be said, an interruption would occur. A waiter would arrive, a telephone would ring, a customer would come in, etc… I can understand the importance of a good cliffhanger, but to never pick these unsaid words back up was a major disappointment. I craved for a finished, meaningful conversation to actually happen.

This novel is told from a combination of viewpoints and in several instances, the lack of precise segues made it difficult to find a point of reference or understand exactly where you were at in the story. Ellie comes with an intricate and complicated history, therefore often she reflects on her past. In addition, a lot of this novel is told from snippets of Teresa’s perspective and internal dialogue. So in order to create a world where these two visions can exist, clear and concise transitions are a must.

One of the most beautiful things I read was finding out that Teresa was a size 16. Finally, we can imagine a character who is not all just about physical appearance. But my joy was short-lived when I realized the author did nothing but fat-shame the character for her size. For me the absolute worst thing about this book was degrading its main character.

The author may have been trying to show us a “real” woman with insecurities, but the execution failed miserably. Werlinger kept bringing up Teresa’s size as a negative. I don’t need to hear about how Teresa knocks stuff over with her behind because it's big. Nor do I need to hear about how she is concerned with the weight limit on elevators or how she is afraid she will break Santa’s lap if she sits on him. It’s appalling, demeaning, and cliché.

Initially, I thought maybe Werlinger was going to write some sort of arc where Teresa finds out that she can be both large and beautiful. But as the book kept going and the remarks kept showing up, it almost seemed like she was on a subliminal message of fat hate.

 Allowing a character to continuously make self deprecating comments without anyone opposing such thoughts is alarming and beyond disheartening. I questioned the author’s use of a larger character as it seemed her appearance was only a gateway for insults.

This book does not earn a one star rating simply for the above issues. Cast Me Gently is filled with numerous amounts of plot holes and inconceivable notions. If you choose to read further, know that there are some spoilers- but I could not in good conscious give this book such a low rating without explicitly explaining why.

***************

1. Best Friend Bungle

Secondary character, Bernie, is quite possibly one of the most annoying women I have ever read about. Her personality is surrounded by a cloud of racism, adultery, and profanity. She is a teacher who works in a rough neighborhood and shortly into the book, Bernie uses a handful of stereo types in regards to the poor African American families that live there.

As someone who has both taught in low-income neighborhoods and worked for HUD, I can attest that not every family is black, nor is every child there the product of a crack whore mama and absent father.

Additionally, I found Bernie’s ignorant, expletive-laced dialogue hugely uninteresting. I'm no prude but she says so many fucks, shits, and goddamns that it has me as an atheist wanting to go to confession. Her foul language was nonsensical and terribly absurd.

 Overall, Bernie was just not a believable best friend for overly-sheltered Teresa.

2. Preposterous Plot Hole

Early on we learn Ellie's parents are dead and that her older brother, Daniel, went off to fight in Vietnam but returned as a homeless vet. For the past seven years, she has been frantically searching for him on the streets. Often, she places herself in life threatening situations- one of which also becomes a major plot-hole-ish scene later on.

Concurrently, Teresa befriends a homeless gentleman (Dogman) fitting the description of Ellie’s missing brother. (Ellie also shows Teresa a picture of her brother). So even though Teresa knows of Ellie’s desperate attempts to locate Daniel, she never once introduces them to one another. It isn’t until the last page of Chapter 29 that Teresa even thinks to ask Dogman if his real name is Daniel. The last page of Chapter 29!

Um, your girlfriend has been in total despair over her brother’s disappearance and you don’t think to make a serious effort in mentioning this man to her other than in passing? The dude even has an Army bag.

It is all very aggravating since Daniel takes up such a large chunk of Ellie’s narrative and because Dogman plays such a pivotal role in Teresa’s story line.

3. Outlandish Outing

Teresa has been spending the night and time in general with Ellie but tells her mom (Sylvia) that she's been spending all of that time at Bernie's. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever for Teresa to lie about hanging out with Ellie. Everyone knows they have become fast friends so it wouldn't be weird for them to be spending large amounts of time together.

Teresa invites Bernie and Bernie's mom (Angela) over for a Sunday meal when it comes out that Teresa hasn’t been hanging out with Bernie after all. So, from that statement alone, and only that, Sylvia now knows that Teresa and Ellie are a couple. What? How? There have been no context clues given to Teresa’s family for them to ever even assume that their daughter was gay. Yet, in one sentence she is outed.

This then leads to a very overly-dramatic seemingly Dynasty-inspired slapping scene that I’m still not over.

4. Ludicrous Love Scenes

Teresa is a virgin and the first time she has ever really been kissed was by Ellie on Christmas Day. But when she uses the terminology “down there” for her anatomy, I rolled my yes.

It could have been believable because of her inexperience, however she’s a pharmacist. I think she knows the word vagina. Teresa probably fills prescriptions for women’s vaginas every day. So “down there” was really odd and ridiculous.

When it comes to the actual lovemaking scene, Teresa, who has had nothing but terrible things to say about her appearance, just disrobes without hindrance or hesitation. If she has such a poor outlook in regards to her presence, then it stands to reason she would be worried about what she looks like at her most vulnerable especially when Ellie has been written as lithe and thin. 

Actual excerpt: Ellie stepped closer and, with more dexterity than Teresa, unhooked Teresa’s bra and let it slide to the floor, freeing her breasts. She placed her hands under the soft weight of them. The nipples didn’t harden like Ellie’s did, but that didn’t stop Teresa from gasping when Ellie bent to take one in her mouth.

Ok, I'm sorry, but it's New Year’s night in Pittsburgh in 1981. It was 30 degrees that evening (I googled it on weatherchannel.com) thus Teresa’s nipples and everyone else’s would be hard whether they wanted them to be or not. And whose nipples don't harden? This is Teresa's first time of ever being touched and it's by someone she is crazy about. Please.  

These may seem like small, insignificant details. But for me, excellent writing does not include distractions that can pull you away from the story. I do not want my brain saying “Wait, what?” when it can be saying, “Oh, yes.”

***************

These are only a handful of the questionable aspects presented within this work, but if I wrote about all of them my review would be longer than the book itself.

This is my first Werlinger read, but it is the author’s eighth published novel. I would have surmised that the content would be of a much higher caliber and that it would have resembled a more experienced style. I have seen some of the most eloquent posts on Facebook by this author, and I have read lovely prose in her blogs, but I am befuddled by the writing and dissatisfying quality of this book.

NOTE: This book was provided by the publisher for the purpose of a review.

Extra! Extra! Read All About This: The Red Files

“What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.” 
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

But it happened with The Red Files.

Lee Winter has breathed new life into the lesfic genre with her smashing debut novel. It is so perfectly written that I find it hard to fathom the world does not already have a bookshelf full of her titles.

For years the majority of lesbian fiction has been inundated with dreadfully substandard story lines containing one-dimensional characters and fallacious clichés. In comparison to mainstream fiction, the overall quality of this genre has been second-rate at best. However, The Red Files has restored my hope and renewed my interest for lesbian literature.

This author wastes no time in grabbing your attention, and with a solid, humorous beginning, we are immediately thrown into the hangover and humiliation of protagonist Lauren King. She is a reporter on the Hollywood junket with dreams and ambitions bigger than the tears Barbara Walters can create.

Lauren is clawing her way up through the ranks at L.A.’s Daily Sentinel until she can write the stories she believes in. Her only competition besides the male hierarchy of the newspaper, is colleague and arch rival Catherine Ayers who has the nickname, The Caustic Queen. Her cutthroat words and air of sophistication make up the foundation of the seemingly impenetrable walls she has built around her unapproachable persona. Once a Washington, D.C. political insider in charge of her own bureau, she is now forced to work on the same frivolous reporting as King due to a professional fall from grace. As a bonus, we are treated to a mysterious subplot involving Ayers’ past that when revealed, is as rich as the threads of her Armani suit.

Both are paying their dues, covering an A-lister business launch, when their investigative skill- sets place them on a 250 page journey of connivance, conspiracy, and corruption. It is an intriguing plot that challenges how we view the overabundance and intrusiveness allowed by technology and the susceptibility in which we live.

Our main characters are tenacious in their pursuit of the truth, dodging everything from secret agents to squealing tires. Trust between the ladies becomes paramount when thrust into a labyrinth of diabolical deceit involving prostitutes and pink champagne.

The commitment King and Ayers put into solving this mystery is undoubtedly a true reflection of the intimate diligence Winter has poured onto the page. Her real-life journalistic skills shine and validate any and all accolades her personal career has afforded. 

  

In addition, the author continuously proves throughout the novel that her ability to write innovative and complex dialogue is beyond compare. The polished snark of Ayers is as piercing as her glare and the down-home dialect of King works as the perfect conduit to their electrifying conversational showdowns. It makes me wish Winter wrote the words I spoke every day. I would sound so much cooler in real life tbh.

The varying scenic locations and supporting characters are just as engaging from start to finish. Winter’s use of colorful imagery and creative descriptors captivate every page. Her writing overall is intelligent with a fast-paced tone and immersion into the story is immediate and without hindrance.

This novel tells two very impressive stories: The story of Lauren and Catherine’s adventure and the story of Lee Winter’s remarkable talent.

I do not flippantly hand out 5-star reviews. The lesfic world is small and I believe that friends allow their adoration for one another to supersede their love for the written word. I tried very hard to find something, really anything, negative about this book so it would not look as if I were being biased or unfair. But I simply could not. My only complaint would be that the story had to end. However, Winter has gifted us with a free bonus chapter entitled Flashbang that is available here: http://ylva-publishing.co.uk/product/flashbang-by-lee-winter/  

So see, even that attempt at a criticism is futile.

Ylva Publishing has discovered a true wordsmith wonder in Lee Winter, and if I were them I would handcuff her to a typewriter.

 The Red Files is an imaginative, cloak and dagger thriller filled with suspense, perplexity, and tension. Furthermore, there is a compelling cast of characters whose unbelievable dialogue contains sagacity and wit unparalleled to most. The skill with which Lee Winter has masterfully woven this tale has left me with a newfound appreciation for those who choose to put the story first.

 There’s an anonymous saying that states: “A good book makes you want to live in the story. A great book gives you no choice.”

Well, be prepared to have no choice.

Purchase The Red Files by Lee Winter here:

http://ylva-publishing.co.uk/product/the-red-files-by-lee-winter/

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/3955333302?keywords=lee%20winter&qid=1455080653&ref_=sr_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1